For each of these, it mainly came down to the fact that I couldn’t seem to stop scrolling and spending hours on my phone, not feeling any happier or productive at the end of it — not really feeling anything.
For the time I’ve been gone, I haven’t missed it. There are days when I feel lonely —that it feels like I don’t have many friends — but this feeling was also there when I was on social media. While it doesn’t feel like I’m any more productive, I’m sure I’ve saved time.
Today, hesitantly, I logged into Instagram for, of all things, a work assignment. My first thought (after ‘it’s so frustrating that they make you sign in’) was: ‘look how pretty everything is!’ Because the thousands of photos, bright and cheerful, do look gorgeous. …
All I can think about is how much I am in debt, how much time it will get out of debt, and what to do if my current job ends. My partner and I are not struggling, but the weight of future years and figuring out how much we need to save if we are to retire is becoming heavier.
This can lead to a whirlwind of stressing about the future, of regret for not having saved more earlier, of worrying about how to spend in the present.
Breathing, I try to be grateful, knowing that will pull me into the present. In the last month of trying to name things I’ve been grateful for, I’ve found it’s easier to be grateful for things when there’s contrast (more grateful for a shower when you are cold, more grateful for food when you are hungry). With that in mind, instead of focusing on how little I have, I made a conscious effort to think of what I have in contrast to when I was young. …
Two years ago, watching my sister on her phone was the nail that ended my Instagram account. My relationship until then had been very on-and-off again, primarily because what always began as thoughtful participation would end in mindless scrolling, but observing her put an official end to it.
I had taken a photo I was proud of, put in a carefully crafted caption, and uploaded it. Hours later, my sister was going through her feed. Like, scroll, like, scroll, like, scroll. She came across mine, liked it, and kept going. She might have spent a whole second on it.
At first I was slightly offended — she hadn’t even paused after the careful time I had spent on it — until I realized that’s exactly what I was doing. I was spending so small amount of time on my friends’ photos, rarely registering them, while somehow expecting mine deserved their time. …
Gratitude. I search for it in my mind, but all I feel is an emptiness.
I am tired. I worked late last night, and now I feel depleted. My body feels cold. I want to keep going, though.
I am grateful for:
Working hard last night and getting my presentation done in time today. Last night was hard, staying awake and clicking away at the computer. I am so grateful to be done with the work, and that tomorrow there will be a lot less of it. …
Right now I feel angry and hopeless. My boyfriend is getting crushed by work. While many of us have become unemployed or struggling to find work during Covid, my boyfriend is working many hours more than he used to and is slowly coming undone.
The university has put a freeze on hiring and salaries, meaning less bodies in each department. Professors have more time, and are using it to propose to every grant they can. My boyfriend is a grants administrator, so with the extra proposals and less bodies (and inability to hire) his work is getting worse. …
On Day 15, I am running out of ideas again of what to be grateful for. Part of the problem is that I want the list to be unique, not a repeat of the things I’ve already stated my gratefulness for, and I find that my days are decently repetitive.
I know my lack of inspiration isn’t because there is a lack of things to be grateful for, but rather because I’m stuck on the same cycle of things I’m looking at, almost as if I’m on a carousel but refuse to change horses (particularly if that horse has beautiful encrusted jewels and moves up and down). …
ADHD Can Go F*** Itself
And it’s not just any meeting, but an online meetup that I lead on drawing. It’s a lot of fun, it’s often very rewarding, and I just. . . completely forgot.
I didn’t even feel that tingly feeling that often accompanies a ‘hmm I think I’m forgetting something’. There was nothing. It was only after a message of concerned ‘where are you’ that I realized, and with that a wave of shame and anger.
I’m so mad at myself.
I’m tired of trying to be kind to myself, of forgiving myself, of giving myself emotional hugs as I stumble/soar/stumble through life with ADHD. Yes, ADHD is a disorder, but it’s also my brain. And I know my brain has better days of remembering the things it needs to, and why can’t it just remember the things that normal people remember? …
The sky is gray and the wind pushes leaves against homes’ brick walls.
I walk briskly, trying to move the stress that has gathered in my head out into the street. I’ve decided to walk along the road until I come across a cat, at which I can turn around again.
I feel anxious about this coming week. I think it’s going to be busy, with feelings of not doing enough/late nights/inadequacy piled on top. I want to freeze the weekend and dwell in it, much like remaining in a warm cave away from the chill of the outdoors.
I don’t know how not to feel anxious. How can the knot that’s growing in my stomach and shoulders be lessened? Perhaps by starting work now, rather than wait for tomorrow, may help. Perhaps if I didn’t label my work as ‘work’, but rather ‘play’, that might help. …
The candle flickers, the music hums, the alcohol sits golden in the glass. My boyfriend and I read books in the cold night of Friday.
I don’t necessarily want to write. It feels good just being.
120. I am grateful for Fridays. There’s a beautiful feeling that comes with Fridays. I often anticipate them all week, only to be surprised when it’s the afternoon and the weekend is already here. I try to savor the night as much as possible, because on Fridays the weekends are full of possibilities.
121. These Covid Fridays are nice, because I don’t have the same pull of FOMO which used to accompany them. Whenever I had a really chill night with my boyfriend, just us, sitting together and reading/or watching a movie, there would be part of me that loved it and part of me that wondered if there was something happening out in the city. A concert or a bar or an art event. It’s nice, in a sense, with feeling completely guilt-free of not going anywhere. …
For the past 8 months (has it already been 8 months?) I’ve been doing better than I thought with staying, for the most parts, completely indoors and not seeing anyone except for neighbors on the street.
For the most part, I’ve been enjoying being at home. I’ve gained some weight, but I’ve also saved money. I feel like I’ve actually been able to appreciate the nooks and crannies of where I’m living as opposed to before, where I would only spend late evenings in the house.
I’ve been able to dive deep into what actually matters to me, and I feel like most of us are coming to the conclusion that it’s family, friends, and being able to spend quality time with them instead of rushing through to the next thing. …